Now according to this youtube video, this is an easy repair! All you have to do is purchase $140 worth of specialized supplies from Big Wally, and you too can become a Master of Plaster! Being that I am a Hollander and Lance is actually an authentic Dutchman, we were not about to fall for Big Wally's pricey gimmick, and set off to Menard's to buy our own supplies. We were able to get a tube of liquid nails, a box of drywall screws, and some large plastic washers for under $10. This was also an exciting opportunity for us to finally use the brand new drill we got on Black Friday.
The next morning, Lance was gone hunting, and I figured this was a prime opportunity to do some crack. I mean repair some crack. Whatever. So, still in my pj's I assembled my supplies and got to work. First I drilled holes in the wall on either side of the crack...except, I couldn't find any lath behind the plaster to drill into- the bit just went right through the plaster and into empty space (in hindsight, I'm guessing the lath was broken in places and not stable enough to drill into).
My next step was to screw the drywall screws into the wall to hold everything together until the glue dried. But of course if I couldn't drill into the lath, the screws weren't going to sink in to it, either. All in all, I managed to find two places where I could get them to adhere properly.
Bright and early on New Year's Day, in our best "work" pj's, we set to work on the walls. I held my breath as the screws came out, then breathed a sigh of relief when the plaster remained sturdy and unmoving. "Yup, just like I planned it," I said confidently. And after expertly applying some of our favorite patching compund, MH Ready Patch, and a light sanding, the San Andreas Fault is smooth and ready for primer and paint!
The bad news is that there are still hundreds of other little holes and spots that need to be filled before we can even think about busting out the primer. *Sigh*